No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
