theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
