Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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