You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
