Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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