Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
