jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
