I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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