I didn't shave. On purpose
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
