Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
