I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
