My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
