Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
