Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The air taste purple.
Randomize
