he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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