I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
