if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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