please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
