life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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