She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
