i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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