this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
