the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
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WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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