I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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