He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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