Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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