You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
