Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
