you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
