well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
