I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
