38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
