Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
