I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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