I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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