He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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