i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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