Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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