If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
