I just cut my nipple shaving
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
