She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
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My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
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Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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