Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
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The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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