my sisters under your porch take her home
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Who died my cat blue again?