Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?