So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
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These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
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Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked