I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
