I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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