new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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