you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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