I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
