my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
