your parents love me but you hate me
look no pants
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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