I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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