I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
