i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
