did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
