If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
