I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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