just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
