New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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