she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
